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So in really struggling with uni work at the moment. I can pass my placements no problem but when it comes to written work, I just can’t do it. I’m seriously lacking in motivation and I just want to give up, but that’s not me. I will keep trying and do the best I can. When im in placement I’m in my element. Just got to keep trying hard and that’s the best I can do:)
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I’ve been wanting to write a bit on here for a while now, finally got the time and i have a lot of things to let out!
Its my last day on placement Wednesday, 3 months of full time work has been intense! I have learnt so much and weird as it sounds I feel I have matured a little bit more since the start. I will miss it, I will miss all the families I have build relationship’s up with, I’ll miss being busy as well! to be honest, i’m lacking a lot of motivation at the moment, i just hate doing essays and writing down everything i do and why i do it! social work, you have to understand exactly why you feel certain ways and really sometimes you have no idea why you feel a certain way. It’s stressing me out so much but i know there will be a point when i just sit now and do it.
Friendships are pretty good at the moment, i love going out with different people each week it makes it more fun! i bumped into someone on saturday night, i had’nt seen her for 5 months which is weird considering we were pretty much sisters this time last year. It was so nervous she was going to just ignore me and pretend i wasnt there but she gave me a hug and asked how i was. That was it. I’ve never expereinced being so close to someone and then not knowing them at all. It’s fucking horrible i’ll tell you that, at first i was angry at her for just leaving our friendship behind and walking out on my life when i really needed her. I didnt understand how she could do that, she said she needed to move on in life, sort it out. but the things is, i wasnt stopping her doing any of these things. i encouraged her to get what she wanted out of life. I’m now at that stage where i miss my best friend ( old best friend i guess now) i miss the times we had, the memories i have are just amazing but i know look back and they make me sad in a way, knowing at that point in the photos i have, i had everything (for example this time last year) i had all my best friends close to me, and i was just so carefree and happy. Dont get me wrong, i’m happy at the moment but im just so lonely. Everything i do is independant. Im going Africa for a month by myself. I miss her. and thats that. its worse than a relatioship break up because they were never going to last in the first place. but that kind of friendship was suppose to last for a long long time.
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so…I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST TODAY! it was the most nerve racking this i have experienced! before my test i had my last lesson, i stalled the car and i just cried my eyes out. all i could think was ‘why am i doing this, im not ready’ and then i did my test and passed with only 6 minors!!! its literally made me soosssssssoo happy and my life is going to be a hell of a lot easy from now on!
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Havent been feeling the best this past weekend! to me, letting out everything i feel is a way of understanding it. I’m just feeling so upset with my ‘friends’ they all came back from uni 3 weeks ago for easter and were texting me say they couldnt wait to see me ect… then i find out they all go out without me, i ask them on several occasions to meet up and they all come up with a silly excuse then i find out they have time to see other people and not me. i honestly don’t know why i even bother to make the effort when all i do is get let down or left out. Yeah, they can do whatever they want but why text me to say they are looking forward to seeing me and not even bother see me? My other best friend has changed so much since moving away to uni. he was always there for me, we text all the time and now…hes not even my best friend. we had such a good fun friendship! its weird, i wasnt upset about them all moving away, it just felt normal to me as i’ve done it every 3 years, but for once i actually had the chance to see them more reguarly and yet they cant even do that! my best friends from Cyprus Becka, Jess and Kirstie are my true friends and yet im lucky to see some of them twice a year!
Everything yet again has just got on top of me and i need to chill out. placement is literally taking up all my energy! i just want to be over. 3 months time i will be out of here and i cannot wait! I’ve been seeing this guy for little while now and literally i have no idea how i feel about him! he’s so nice and just nothing wrong with him tbh. so why do i not like him as much as i should? i just don’t think im ready for a relationship! mum said the other night ‘theres nothing wrong with being serious for while’ i dont get it! i don’t want to be serious with anyone i just want to live my life and have fun! we shall seee. wish someone could make decisons for me!!
Theres something very important happening to me this week, and if i am sucessful i will be back on top of the game. and a very very happy person. fingers crossed.
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we’ve been talking since last July, I’ve tried so hard to just stop talking to you and move on with my life. but you were always just there. i know i took you fro granted, but the things is. i never believed everything you said, i couldnt understand why you would like me so much, why you would stick around! You weren’t scared of when i told you about mum, you were there for me and gave such good advice and actually helped me out so much!
But what’s frustrating is your out look on life. im trying so hard to understand it, finding it hard to understand where you’re coming from. we clearly have different goals in life and thats what makes me think will we really get on together? but the person i am, i change peoples out looks, i change the way they view things. so i think im going give you a chance and understand you a bit more.
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Talking to you always brings back so many memories. god, i miss the good old days when everything was so simple!!
